Feels Weird

Feels weird I write this post! I'm a manager now :D Cant believe in couple of day's I'll have 30 guys reporting to me. 8 years back, I still remember my first day at office. A BPO organization based out of my hometown, Kolkata. Twinkle eyed, all I could was to stare at the glossy interiors. And after the day finished, I came back & met my childhood sweetheart. She was waiting with a proud smile near the bus stand. And I couldn't have been more happier. Everything seemed so perfect. Just out of college, that 16 grands salary a month seemed like a million dollars! Sadly didn't realize then that tough times awaited with a smile. Since I was a good communicator ( thanks to my english medium background), I was selected to be a part of the helpdesk. There were others who couldn't even say a proper intro about themselves & got selected for non-voice teams. I was flummoxed by this development! I mean how could a good performer in the technical interviews be selected for a helpdesk! :O Anyways, I moved on. But thankfully even though I was an agent at the helpdesk, I learned a lot from my peers & seniors. It was then that I learnt what corporate life meant. I picked up professional etiquette. I made fabulous friends. And in those 3 years, I learnt a lot. And then came my second adventure at Hyderabad. I had never been out of home, up & until that time. As the 3rd law of Newton says - Every action has an equal & opposite reaction. It's just that I never guessed it coming. In a couple of weeks, I had life changing experiences. Had a mini titanic scene at my flat, as the kitchen tap broke & within seconds everything I could see was flowing in water! I broke up with my five year old girlfriend. In a few weeks, I learnt she was going around with her office mate. Had a very difficult time to come upto terms with that & almost contemplated giving up. But as the saying goes "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on - Robert Frost". It was then, when I saw what proper sheer luck does to a person. I had just come over to meet my parents & also stay away from Hyderabad which admittedly became a tough city to live in. I saw a newspaper AD that Accenture were recruiting in Kolkata for their new office in the city. Although I never had a technical acumen to go for an interview ( because of my BPO background). I decided to give it a shot. I still don't know what the recruiter saw in me to give me the job as a middleware admin! :D It was plain & sheer luck that once again I got selected for a technical middleware project. And although I had to compromise on my starting salary, I still have to thank my ex-girlfriend. She had moved in2 Bangalore & my offer was from Accenture Blore too. Naturally, even though technically she was my ex. Neither she or I could give up on both of us. Because we were genuinely "good friends" apart from being lovers. We practically spent our teens & early tees together. Anyway, I'd go on to the topic once again. So, I was at this french international complex technical project on middleware working on the latest technologies & using Unix, Ubuntu , Linux as their operating systems! I know how I passed out my engineering, so all these seemed hibru. But I got two tamilan people to thank for. BG & Muthu, you put your trust in a rank outsider. Someone who had no knowledge. Somebody who didn't know what middleware meant. It took me a while, but I slowly picked up stuff. Got myself enrolled for a in-house training program at a leading training house in Bangalore & in office I was always attending e-learning or instructor led courses. As funny as it sounds, I'd still have to thank my ex for it :D :D . Within 4 months since I landed in the garden city, she left. Apparently the guy she was dating, relocated to NCR and she left to join him there. I was heartbroken, but I put all my vent towards my job, my studies & training. There were days, when I would stay at office for 15/16 hours a day. Deep in my mind, I knew this was my last opportunity. If I let it go, I'll never get a second chance. In five years, I get a chance to be what I always dreamed as a child. I got three wonderful people to thank for. Bharathi Ganesh N & Muthamilan Sargunaanandan Rathish Embar you put your trust in a rank outsider. Someone who had no basic knowledge. Somebody who didn't know what middleware meant. Someone who couldn't even logon to servers too! tongue emoticon P.S - I take interviews these days & we normally don't entertain freshers for highly critical middleware roles! Today as my first day as a Manager, I can't thank you enough for believing in me. Giving me an opportunity to be a part. I hope someday somewhere we can catch up smile emoticon

30th Birthday

So in another 24 hours, I'll turn 30. A sense of depression grips me but I'm happy to have withstood all the tremors in my life and walked unscathed. This day used to hold a significant purpose in yesteryears, but this year is gonna be different. Very different :)

Some temporary pain. But you’ll get over the pain, it will eventually stop hurting. Now maybe the stain ruined your favorite pair of jeans, or maybe it was nothing special that was ruined, but either way the stain remains there. And with time, it will begin to fade, but it will always be there, a permanent reminder that you, too, once fell. Why is it whenever I try to find love they all laugh? Why is it whenever I try to love they turn away? Why is it whenever I find love they leave me and say it was never meant to be? I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. When you can't remember why you're hurt, that's when you're healed. What's better? A lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear? I guess we all make mistakes sometimes But you were my biggest.

Life & some tough decisions.

Just a thought - People are successful because they struggled and persistently worked hard. But most of them complain that they have made so many compromises in their life to be successful or be at this top of the pyramid structure.I wonder why? Our human emotions are built in such a way that we like to sob and still state that we are successful. It's funny to be identified as a martyred hero for the decisions we take. Lets not get down, discussing whose phase in life have been more difficult. Each one us have our own share of tough time to deal with. I have also made few decisions in my life which were tough for me to take. Yet those tough choices I made are not the compromises. They are neither settlements nor were any kind of sacrifices. They were tough decisions to shape up the current reality then, based on the circumstances which were not in control at that point. Perhaps circumstance can never be controlled, and we often deny completely to understand this simple fact. Some decisions were for, "firmness of purpose"; some for only a "sense of purpose"; some were "resolution"; and some decisions were simply "conclusions". There is a series of priorities in one's life and we need to list them, scroll them to and fro, rank it and perhaps implement them in life. That what is life and that what we are made up of the progression of integrated priority. Warm up have a flexible approach and keep exercising it to excel further. “I heartily respect and appreciate when people say their life is quite eventful. There are chapters in the book of life. Some chapters interests people and some grab only our attention in simple little stanzas. Some choices we make for people around and some decisions we take for thyself! Perhaps, still if you call your decisions a sacrifice since they were taken for other's sake, then sure those sacrifices at the end made you only stronger. “Let's, "give thought to"; "give priority to"; "pay attention to"; "be devoted to" ; "be dedicated to" be the words chosen by you when you are admitting that you were made alone by the choices you created in life. Reflect on your past decisions, good or bad, easy or tough, learn from the mistakes made and never forget to celebrate on your triumph too as "Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions." - Mark Twain. Pat your back for being strong and sailing away calmly during the hurricanes of life. Cherish your decisions! What I have learnt in life is that, What we are today, are not the compromises or sacrifices we made in life. We are the product of passion in priorities we make to enrich our as well as other's life. Indeed, you are only growing and evolving in your life with your tough decisions.

Asking you to stay

What if I asked you to stay The words are finally here Let's Rewind. And Rewind. And my heart stops when you're stalling. As if the phone rang, and you're calling. Now you're backing up. It's a long way out. I'm asking you to stay. The words are finally here. Would you rewind it all the time? See you're the only star in the film I never made. Do we make it to the sequel? A second chance for our survival. And make, miracles happen. We all need a hallmark ending. It's weighing on my mind. Would you rewind ????

Coming soon.......

With the arrival of my new lappy & my tata photon plus, my blog will finally have its rebirth. Its been sometime, I've been able to write.
Although, it pained to lose 37 grands at one go for my latest acquisition, but now it seems to be worth every bit.
Will be back soon with my new post.
Cheers :)

The walls they build

Stroll the lie
Just another painful story
Wish I had an angel by my side
The walls they build
With sets of prose & poetry
Never seemed red in my eyes
But it seems the world will change & begin to prosper
For the sake of the tears, in my heart
I want to rise, but I'm held
I want to shine, but I'm scared
I want to learn, but I can't
I wait for the day
When my loving angel saves the day
That will wipe my past and bless the present
But it's so far away...

Tell me Why

To love means to commit
oneself without a guarantee,
to give oneself
completely in hope
that our love will produce love
in the loved person.

When I met you I liked you,
when I liked you I loved you,
when I loved you I lost you.

If there is anything better
than to be loved it is loving.

Why is it easy to fall in love
and yet so hard to be loved back?

Somethings that are Killing Me

Oh man. If I could explain how exhausted I feel - and how ridiculously paralyzed this exhaustion makes me feel - I think I'd feel a whole lot better. But that's the problem: I can't even articulate what I'm feeling.

I've spent weeks rushing through life. Work is killing me, simply because there's so much going on that I'm caught in an endless swirl of tasks and projects and things I have to be aware of and remember. The thing with this job is that I love it, I really do. But the other thing is that I'm a boss now (of, like, an entire team), and while it's awesome, it's also a level of responsibility that carries a lot of stress. This is especially true because I'm someone who takes work and responsibility and my obligations to my employer very seriously, so failure is not an option. I'm not very forgiving of mistakes. So, I'm sure I make regular stress that much worse. There's also the fact that I'm still newish and still on a learning curve, which I'm constantly trying to overtake. That's a big factor here. Once I've completed a year and I get the full cycle, I think I'll be able to ease up a bit. I hope.

But then, preparing for IAS is killing me as well. While I love the subjects I'm studying, they, like everything else, require time and attention and focus, and I'm generally short on all three. None of the work I have to do is technically difficult or unrealistic -- yet I manage to overwhelm myself anyway.A lot of it is still feeling like a newbie college kid, because a lot's changed since I got my bachelor degree 3 years ago. This is just not my world, and I didn't even like it much when it was my world, so I feel like an outsider. That doesn't help. I'm not immersed in this stuff, because the truth is, my personal life and my work are all more important to me. I keep telling myself that I'm doing the right thing, that this stress will be worth it in a couple of years, but meanwhile, it's just another thing that's killing me.

And finally, there's my personal life. That's killing me about as much as anything else. I can't even properly explain this, as nothing is actually "wrong." Even so, these last couple of months have felt important in a not-very-clear way (and yeah, that lack of clarity doesn't help). I've sensed some things crystallizing in me, and while it feels really, really good to know exactly where I stand on some important things, that somehow carries its own uncertainties. At the same time, I've been realizing how some things are really, truly fluid, and I am not able - nor would it be right of me - to act on any of it. This is a hard lesson for me; once I analyze something to death, I am almost always compelled to act. And in the past, acting - in haste, out of pressure, because I just feel like awareness compels action - has proven fatal. To stand back and let things unfold -- this is a difficult lesson for me. I've also realized that a lot about my personal life is not - not right now, anyway - in my hands, and letting go in this way, this feeling like I don't have all the control in my own life -- it basically kills me. Of course, I get that when the time comes to act, when everything's as unfolded as it's going to get, I may be up against some big, serious shit. And yeah, a lot of my stress is because of that. Life right now is not on a clear path.

I see your eyes

I see your eyes
Charcoaled as it cry
Cacti tears
.
And your shadow hung
Like a stuck kite
On a beaten lamp post
.
Feeling unbroken you dunk
Life into the sewer
Of unwanted ness
.
And you let go–
Behemoth lions of pain
And cock-a-hoop imagining
.
What is this good life?
You’re trying to live for–
What, again?
.
I still see your tears
Charcoal in lento wash
Gently coalesce with mine.